Loving myself to safety?

Thats what I call normal. It's the safe space that most people live in, or at least I lived in until my first panic attack.
I am not a negative person. I actually use to drive people nuts with how positive I was, especially my husband. If he said a negative I would turn it around to a positive. It drove him nuts, so i stopped. But he kept saying the negatives. Then life happened.
He had a brain injury. Sort of like a massive stroke. It was from a med. Then there are people who say it couldn't be from a med. Aiy Carumba!
So now I have all the kids, and the money and the stress all on my pretty little size 12 back. (yet I still feel fat and ugly)
SO the world cam crashing down and then I got a panic disorder. I think its my way of running away so He will help, or the kids will behave, or at least i will get a few minutes of peace before that one tries to kill this one! UGH!
So somewhere in between all of this I am suppose to learn to love myself. HMmm.. Maybe I can fit it in the tuesday after next!

slips,trips and others falters

I am susceptible. i will admit it. And when I am already anxious about a trip or appointment then someone talks about a trigger oh man.. thats it!
I am just running out of there or changing the channel or whatever to get back in control.
I men it can be totally innocent or a great thing for someone else and I am sitting there feeling like I am just gonna die! and then there are the times you feel absolutely stupid about a trigger. Oh I just hate those times. And there is no should or outta, its just panic, plain and simple..

breathe in.. 1234.. and out ...12345678
and in 1234 and out 12345678
focus, your ok, your safe, your ok..
you feel like there is someone ripping you apart but in your mind you think 1234... 12345678...
breathe.. breathe.. i am ok.. I am ok.. I AM F*&%ING OK! and you really want to think and be just that.

and your family is tiptoeing and you have no friends left because if they say the wrong thing thats it you just want to run away.

and you just want to do what they say and be normal and fine..

and int he mean time you breathe in 1234... out 12345678

shoulda, shoulda shoulda

Yeah the life of an anxious person is one filled with rules. We are perfectionists to a freakin fault man! We want it all, and we want it to please every one. If we care about you then your preference is our command. Yes sir, whatever you say sir!

Talk about a life filled with pain and sacrifice where no one even notices. In fact if you change and stop giving so much some people even take the tact of getting mad at you!

So then what do you do? how do you deal with it. I say let them get mad. Let them not have their big screen TV or their high end whatever so you can have what you need, maybe a spa day or a massage baby!

Maybe they just need to get up and move a little and get going with something of their own to make a little ends meet instead of just sitting there.

So what are my shoulds..

I should make my husband happy. This is an impossibility. No matter what I cannot make him happy. Now you can work and fill someones needs, and you can be there. But you can't make them happy! You cant make them anything. honest. Really. You cant. even if you want to.

I should have perfect kids. Oh man this is a media nightmare that has been created in movies and on TV. quiet cute kids that don't puke on you unless its in comedic timing. Or the child that only farts when it funny. All the beautiful little children that sit so quietly at all the right moments unless they are Dennis the menace. Well guess what, I live with Dennis and he never stops. It not comedic or in goof timing either. Its frustrating,especially at 10 o clock at night when you are and just want to fall into bed, especially when your hubby wants you to fall into his arms.

I should have a clean house. Really? With kids? are you sure? I mean are you really sure? I mean with them running in and out and pulling clothes out and ruining everything you just put away! um.. I would prefer a clean house, but it will have to wait for after they are in college I think.

And that's just my first three!