Wednesday, July 6, 2011
the ecology of fake it
i live in a house where people are not allowed to be anything but happy. if i complain, have pain, get sick, oh well. Who cares. Be happy anyways. Well guess what. I am not happy. I am not hunky dorey. I hurt, by stomach hurts. I am carrying this pain all alone. There is not one to come along and take it for a while, no one cames and say let me help you or care for you. I live a silent lonely existence surrounded by people..Like so many people do. They live this silent existence of pretending until they get tired of pretending nothing is wrong. and then they sit and cry, alone, in the dark where no one can see them because they are ashamed that they aren;t strong enough to always be happy. upbeat, do good for everyone.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
always waiting
Since I have had Jade, and then davids injury, i feel like I am constantly waiting for the other show to drop. What is God gonna throw at me next. I am going to break from it. Oh yeah, I already feel broken. I think thats where my lack of faith comes in. If I can handle whatever God allows to come into my life, then why did I break to begin with?
I DONT WANNA!
Peral have pointed out my resentment.
A Hem.. Who me? resent anyone. resent anything? resent my situation?
Me. Never!
Ok thats a lie. Thats my life is lying about my resentment.
I resent having to go to all of these appointment, and do all of this stuff, because no one really cares. The kids don't want to go to the appointment. The husband only wants to go because he gets meds. I mean no one really wants to go and so I sit there and do all of this stuff, but none of it is what we want to do. We just want to live, to go on and play and have some fun in between the grief and pain of loss that seems to permeate our lives.
I resent all the loss and that God doesn't protect me from all of this loss. So much loss that most people cry or feel sad when they hear about my life. Why can't God give us some good things. I want some good thing. Its seems like I have to work sooooooo hard for good things for our family.
A Hem.. Who me? resent anyone. resent anything? resent my situation?
Me. Never!
Ok thats a lie. Thats my life is lying about my resentment.
I resent having to go to all of these appointment, and do all of this stuff, because no one really cares. The kids don't want to go to the appointment. The husband only wants to go because he gets meds. I mean no one really wants to go and so I sit there and do all of this stuff, but none of it is what we want to do. We just want to live, to go on and play and have some fun in between the grief and pain of loss that seems to permeate our lives.
I resent all the loss and that God doesn't protect me from all of this loss. So much loss that most people cry or feel sad when they hear about my life. Why can't God give us some good things. I want some good thing. Its seems like I have to work sooooooo hard for good things for our family.
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